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At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 12:35:03 PM
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Learning2Walk
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I think I have finally reached the end of my rope with some family issues and could use some good Godly advice.
In a nutshell: I grew up in a good, "normal", loving home with 2 parents. However, my brother turned to substance abuse at a young age (around 12), and continued until about the age of 40 (he's now in his early 50s). My parents were loving and provided for us well ---- they also were controlling and (especially my mom) very performance oriented ---- look good, be good, do good, feel good, etc. Lots of repressed feelings and emotions. My dad passed away very unexpectedly a few years ago. My mom is still healthy, active, and doing very well living on her own in the same house not far from me. My brother moved out of state several years ago with his family.
While my brother was mixed up with substance abuse and all the problems and turmoil that caused at home, I felt very "on my own", emotionally. I was the "good" kid.
My brother is now married with a child. He got sober several years ago (for the second time, after a severe relapse) , but his sobriety seems tenuous. He always seems to be totally stressed out over regular every-day life. He is very impatient and cynical. I was always there for him --- supporting, or whatever. In return, I got a lot of ridicule and criticsm from my brother, and I am now aware of how that affected the way I feel about myself when I am around others.
My mom is a chronic worrier and fretter, and has always shared her worries and concerns with me. Little things, big things, anything and all things -- I was her audience. As soon as my dad, my brother, or anyone left the room, she would share her concerns (or gossip) about that person with me. I always felt burdened by this (though I was unaware of that until just recently), but always felt it was my duty to listen and offer support and encouragement.... and to agree with her. If I disagreed with her point of view, she acted irritated with me and would change the subject or walk away, leaving me feeling rejected and empty. Often, she shares a concern and sounds worried; when I offer advice, suggestion or consolation, she'll often brush it off and say "well I'm not going to worry about this, I can't be bothered!" (Well then, why did you share it with ME then??? And now you don't have to worry since it is on MY mind, thank you very much!). My parents enabled my brother (and my mom still does) by relieving him from the consequences of many of his actions, listening too much to his sorrows and woes about life rather than offer constructive character-building suggestions.
While I was the one expected to offer support, by brother was the one who was supported. He is now deeply in debt and totally stressed out. He shares every concern and issue with my mom ---- even while she was grieving and traumatized in the months after my dad's sudden passing, he would call her and talk about his concerns. During that time, I would listen to HER talk about hers.
One of my nieces is briefly staying with my mom. My mom is involved in numerous activities with people outside the house, but she is very introverted and likes the house all to herself and to be in control; she seems irrirated and angry about having her there, and I don't know how to help her with that. I am willing to bet that my niece doesn't like being around her either. This saddens me for the sake of my mom, as she does not realize how her actions and words impact others. She has a very sweet, caring, helpful side too, and I love her very much but feel very frustrated by all of this which causes me to not want to be around her as often as I should. However, she is prone to subtle criticism (about others, behind their backs) and irritability which is difficult to be around.
And then there are issues with my husband's adult (mid-40s) kids ----- lots of drama, temper tantrums, narcissistic-like attention-getting actions, always needy or in a crisis.
ACK! I am tired of being the listener, and never listened to. I am tired of offering suggestions and advice that is not taken, while I stand by and watch them repeat the same actions over and over again, then complain to me about the outcome!!! This is my whole family --- there is not one side of my family that is NOT like this. I want to scream at all of them, but I know that is not the answer. At the same time, I love my family very much, and therefore all of this grieves me deeply.
I feel burdened and weary. A few months ago, I realized that I feel like the adult sibling of a special-needs child. I feel anxious and mildly depressed, but I take good care of myself through healthy eating, regular exercise, and participating in my hobbies and interests. However, I tend to drift away from face-to-face contact with friends because of shame over all these issues, and I'd rather spend free time (outside of work) in the garden or around the house.
Whenever I go to the Lord with it, I immediately feel like he just wants me to be there for them and stop thinking about my own concerns. I guess the seed of that
warped belief was planted when I was very young.
< Message edited by Learning2Walk -- 9/2/2010 12:44:52 PM >
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 12:51:00 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 731
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Healthy boundaries are needed when dealing with people who don't take
advice -- they say they want your input but all they want is to "bend your ear".
Start referring them to counselors -- give them the little pamphlets from certain
counselors or psychiatrists in your area. If they try forcing the conversation - excuse yourself from
their company. Go outside and get some fresh air or take a walk etc.
Make your visits short if they insist upon sharing their troubles. Let them know you
will be praying for that particular need and or concern -- then make your exit.
Submit their cares and yours to the Lord in prayer and leave those concerns at his feet - don't pick
them up and start mulling them over! Renew your mind upon the truth of the Lord -- do it as
often as you need to.
_____________________________
(Charlotte's Web)
"Why did you do all this for me?" he asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you."
"You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing."
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 3:58:55 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Welcome to the forum, Learning2Walk!
Two things jumped out at me: "family scripts" and the family sin.
"Family scripts" are the artificial roles/labels family members are tacked with, and are usually incorrect and unhealthy. You were a moral person and probably got tagged with "Good person to tell your troubles to to make yourself feel better. Her feelings don't count because she's invisible because I said so." Does that seem about right to you?
Second issue is the unbiblical ways family members have acted; unbiblical = sin, as only God's ways work and what isn't from faith is sin. Let's go through what you said and point them out so you know what to think about them. That will help you balance this and make it easier to know what to do.
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My parents were loving and provided for us well ---- they also were controlling and (especially my mom) very performance oriented ---- look good, be good, do good, feel good, etc.
Superficial stuff instead of teaching kids to live well from a heart trusting God. They didn't teach you spiritual truths like God told parents to do.
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Lots of repressed feelings and emotions.
This is unhealthy, and not the kind of family God calls people to have.
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While my brother was mixed up with substance abuse and all the problems and turmoil that caused at home, I felt very "on my own", emotionally. I was the "good" kid.
Family script: the brother was in trouble (made parents look bad because he didn't look good? Maybe) and they were trying to reparent him perhaps when he was an adult and answerable to God. Maybe they were trying to stand between him and God? Dunno.
And you looked good so they could ignore you because you were already "safe"?
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his sobriety seems tenuous.
Would you say his addiction is his god (small g)? Anything we want more than God is idolatry.
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He always seems to be totally stressed out over regular every-day life.
Then he's not trusting God and is living in unbelief. God allows hardships and trials, and we're supposed to rejoice, odd as that sounds. 1 Pet. 1:6 and following. Unbelief is sin; it misses the bull's-eye of God's perfect morality that He calls us to and gives us the grace to slowly get there as we confess our sin and turn away from it (and I realize this applies to me as well as every Christian, and sometimes I even get it right... sometimes. I have to confess and repent this a lot).
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He is very impatient and cynical.
This is unloving and Godless. See Gal. 5:16-21
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I was always there for him --- supporting, or whatever. In return, I got a lot of ridicule and criticsm from my brother, and I am now aware of how that affected the way I feel about myself when I am around others.
You were trying to do it God's way (yay!) and your brother was emotionally killing you in return. Not Godly. Don't believe his lies.
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My mom is a chronic worrier and fretter
She's living in unbelief, too, then; we're told to not worry or be anxious, but to take our troubles to God in prayer and God will give peace. Phil. 4:6
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, and has always shared her worries and concerns with me. Little things, big things, anything and all things -- I was her audience. As soon as my dad, my brother, or anyone left the room, she would share her concerns (or gossip) about that person with me.
She gossiped. 2 Cor. 12:20 condemns this - look at the company gossip keeps:
strife, jealousy, angry tempers, disputes, slanders, gossip, arrogance, disturbances
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I always felt burdened by this (though I was unaware of that until just recently), but always felt it was my duty to listen and offer support and encouragement....
Yes; your "family script" said you had to be the good and supportive person (and by God's grace, you have the real thing and not the empty shell that your family wanted).
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and to agree with her.
You were ordered to be an idolator, too (my family did this also, and it took decades to figure it out).
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If I disagreed with her point of view, she acted irritated with me and would change the subject or walk away, leaving me feeling rejected and empty.
This is emotional black mail: agree with me or I will reject you. Argh! (just to let you know how I understand: my mother disowned me for having an opinion she didn't give me).
quote:
Often, she shares a concern and sounds worried; when I offer advice, suggestion or consolation, she'll often brush it off and say "well I'm not going to worry about this, I can't be bothered!"
She is self-deceived, and lying to herself about her own feelings. I wonder if her "family script" is the mother who is in control and emotionally is cool as a cucumber?
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(Well then, why did you share it with ME then??? And now you don't have to worry since it is on MY mind, thank you very much!).
Kinda like having the dirty dishwater thrown on you, isn't it?
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My parents enabled my brother (and my mom still does) by relieving him from the consequences of many of his actions
Consequences are God's teaching tools for the person who won't listen to wisdom.
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listening too much to his sorrows and woes about life rather than offer constructive character-building suggestions.
Some people try to be nicer than God, don't they? Something went wrong with his character training in his childhood (apprearances versus real heart training) and she may be trying to do it some more in case she didn't do it hard enough when he was a kid. "Gee, if it didn't work, try the same thing harder." It's doomed to fail.
Insanity is often defined by counselors as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result."
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While I was the one expected to offer support, by brother was the one who was supported.
Family script; you see it clearly.
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He is now deeply in debt and totally stressed out. He shares every concern and issue with my mom ---- even while she was grieving and traumatized in the months after my dad's sudden passing, he would call her and talk about his concerns. During that time, I would listen to HER talk about hers.
They created a self-centered monster and he's doing what they trained him to do. Appearances with no truth content will fail, and he failed. And is continuing to fail. He's trying harder, too.
quote:
One of my nieces is briefly staying with my mom. My mom is involved in numerous activities with people outside the house, but she is very introverted and likes the house all to herself and to be in control; she seems irrirated and angry about having her there
The niece didn't hold a gun to your mom's head to stay there. Your mom agreed and now is mad because she doesn't like what she agreed to. Appearance: "I'm good to my niece." Heart: "I want my privacy." She can't have it both ways, but she's trying very hard to.
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and I don't know how to help her with that.
I don't think you can. She's chasing her tail and trying to make unreality into a reality by her own effort. Pity her, pray God gets her attention. You could tell her what's going on, but it will run counter to decades of pretending what is false is really real, and she won't thank you for it trying to burst her bubble. Tell her once and let it go; God is the Convicter and Convincer.
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I am willing to bet that my niece doesn't like being around her either. This saddens me for the sake of my mom, as she does not realize how her actions and words impact others. She has a very sweet, caring, helpful side too, and I love her very much but feel very frustrated by all of this which causes me to not want to be around her as often as I should. However, she is prone to subtle criticism (about others, behind their backs) and irritability which is difficult to be around.
She's living in the flesh instead of the Spirit, which makes her inherantly selfish. Since you aren't her, you aren't as important as she is to herself. You may have to convince yourself that sadly, she isn't the loving and kind mother God would have her to be because she has rejected His truth and ways. I'm so sorry. Mine was like that, too.
quote:
And then there are issues with my husband's adult (mid-40s) kids ----- lots of drama, temper tantrums, narcissistic-like attention-getting actions, always needy or in a crisis.
I like what Dr. Kevin Leman says about teaching kids to be responsible instead of happy: let the little buzzards tumble and experience their own consequences. Now your husband's kids are adults, so even more so they should experience their own consequences (protect your grandchilden, though, from life-threatening harm. Take them away legally if you have to). I realize your husband is the one to take action, but you might point him to this to convince him: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective_biblical_discipline/why_kids_misbehave/the_wonders_of_reality_discipline.aspx to get him started.
It must be very frustrating for you to have to watch all this happen; I'm sorry.
quote:
ACK! I am tired of being the listener, and never listened to. I am tired of offering suggestions and advice that is not taken, while I stand by and watch them repeat the same actions over and over again, then complain to me about the outcome!!!
You are sick of the lies about the ''family scripts" which portrays you as something you are not. That makes you the only healthy one in the family because everyone else is fine with the lies. You are right. Lies would bother any healthy and moral person. What do you do when the family all believe the earth is flat, or a color-blind family that insists red doesn't exist? It's the same problem. You have to believe the truth and reinforce it in your mind because years of lies have made you wobbly. It will put you in conflict with your family because your truth is opposite of their lies, and they have embraced their lies and bet their whole lives on them.
quote:
This is my whole family --- there is not one side of my family that is NOT like this. I want to scream at all of them, but I know that is not the answer. At the same time, I love my family very much, and therefore all of this grieves me deeply.
You are a white sheep in a family of black sheep.
Some people are born crippled or blind or in the middle of a war - you were born in a family that lies (so was I). God works through the trials and hardships and is glorified by our trusting Him in spite of our handicaps, and it's that way for every Christian.
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I tend to drift away from face-to-face contact with friends because of shame over all these issues, and I'd rather spend free time (outside of work) in the garden or around the house.
You'll want to fight against this drift, as God calls us into groups (family, church, state) and never intended anyone to go it alone. He sets the solitary in families, and so forth.
quote:
Whenever I go to the Lord with it, I immediately feel like he just wants me to be there for them and stop thinking about my own concerns. I guess the seed of that
warped belief was planted when I was very young.
You were lied to regarding how life works and who you are and who God is. I find the best way is to hold every thing I think up to Scripture and see if it matches. If it does, cool. If not, I ditch what I used to believe and pick up what Scripture says. Little by little I plug the holes and kick the lies to the curb. Shout down the lies with the truth - God's truth. Resist the devil and he has to flee (James 4:7) because he's had free rein in your family for decades.
You are right that your family is wrong about who you are and who they are. You're on to the family skeleton and have dragged it out of the closet. That's the best way I know to get rid of family's dirty secrets ("you're as sick as your secrets"). You'll have to decide how to approach your parents and start telling the truth to them, and how to handle the fireworks when they realize the "family script" has lost it's death grip on you. It's a spiritual battle, so keep your sins confessed and be tight with God in the Scripture and your prayers. Let the chips fall where they may, as your family will have to deal with you suddenly not playing along any more. What they do is between them and God, even though they're responding to you. They're just demonstrating their relationship with God.
Be strong and courageous, and walk in the truth even if people are throwing things at you. He is our God, and people threw things at Jesus, too.
(((HUgs)))
_____________________________
I'm following the exodus over to www.bible.org - hope to see you guys there.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 5:01:22 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 671
Joined: 4/20/2005
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Hello Learning2Walk
I was raised in the midst of emotional turmoil. My parents fought each other tooth and nail, all verbally but nothing ever physical. My dad showered me with verbal abuse and my mother tried to compensate for it by smothering me with love.
It was a new day in my life when my parents visited my house. I would not let them fight. I stood on my front porch and told them if they wanted to fight, go home. They showed strong hostility toward me but I won out and they did not fight when visting my house.
I'm telling you all of this to encourage you to set your own emotional course. Our God loves us to the point that He wants our homes to be peaceful and free of addictions and all other thorns that this world trains us to accept. But we who believe are free in Christ.
So, what I would do is to refuse to listen to your mother's diatribes and above all do not let her control you any more. You can do it in love. You can chart your own course without condemnation by following Jesus Christ.
The things you grew up with, as in my case also, were not of the Lord. Lest anyone accuse me of not honoring my parents, I did honor them in the later years of their lives, showing love that confounded many who knew us. Each one of them found the love of God through what the Lord did in my life.
Remember, since you are an adult now, you are not responsible for what happened in your family. Yes, you are concerned, as the Lord desires for us to show. But God is concerned with healing our hearts so we show the fruit of His Spirit.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 6:25:18 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 568
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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quote:
I am tired of being the listener, and never listened to. I am tired of offering suggestions and advice that is not taken, while I stand by and watch them repeat the same actions over and over again, then complain to me about the outcome!!!
I think you've given yourself the best advice here:
Have you tried the idea to simply stop doing the things that are driving you nuts?
Stop 'being the listener' -- try interrupting people, guiding the conversation yourself, looking away and seeming distracted, walking away etc. Those ears belong to you, and no one can use them without your permission.
Stop 'offering suggestions' -- take up an interest in sports instead... and talk about that every time the 'script' seems to say 'offer suggestion here'. Your mouth belongs to you, and you don't need to say what they expect you to say.
Stop 'standing by and watching' -- there is no reason for you to be very caught up with these people, their lives, their choices or the outcomes of those choices. They are like a soap opera.. people who don't watch them don't know what's going on, and don't actually care that they don't know.
Stop listening to them when they want to 'complain to you' -- interrupt them and start to talk about sports. Or listen to them and ask inane questions like, "Oh, what colour was the car that bumped yours?" and "Did that bill arrive in an envelope? Did it come on Tuesday?" (Questions that make it seem like the 'meat' of their complaint is just ordinary life, and you are confused as to what is supposed to arouse your sympathy.)
People are going to think your new 'distracted' behaviour is odd. But they will get used to it, and you will be happier.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/2/2010 7:24:42 PM
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johnswife
Posts: 328
Joined: 4/24/2010
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You may find help in Celebrate Recovery or a similar group for people who are prone to enabling. Any one can go. They help you with "hurts, habits and hang ups". I have met people who have really benefited from them. One woman who was doing too much for her grown children and one with problems with her husbsand.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/3/2010 1:59:23 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
Lest anyone accuse me of not honoring my parents, I did honor them in the later years of their lives, showing love that confounded many who knew us. Each one of them found the love of God through what the Lord did in my life.
How wonderful! God blessed your family greatly.
A point about honor, as many nonChristians like to throw this at us, but here's why you are right:
The word "honor" in Ex. 20 ("honor your mother and father") is kabad, which means to weigh or give serious consideration to. So we don't brush off our parents' advice but give them weighty consideration. Then if we discern they are wrong, we know they are wrong and don't have to labor under their error anymore. As adults, we have to find the truth and live it, whether our parents are on board or not. We follow a holy God, not people who go the other way, no matter who they are.
_____________________________
I'm following the exodus over to www.bible.org - hope to see you guys there.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/4/2010 10:06:41 AM
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Learning2Walk
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comments. I am just beginning to see these dynamics more clearly and asking God to walk me through them so that I can love my family without practicing any dysfunction and without detaching myself from them as people. I want to be there for each of them when they need me ---- when they TRULY need me and then God calls me to do that ---- but not be just the family counselor that everyone leans on.
I will post a separate thread about how to do this. It is a learning process, and I have much to learn in this area.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/4/2010 11:28:54 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL:
Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comments. I am just beginning to see these dynamics more clearly and asking God to walk me through them so that I can love my family without practicing any dysfunction and without detaching myself from them as people.
Proverbs says the fear (reverential awe) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, so He is our foundation for a real life.
People who put anything else first in life just chase their tails. You have rejected that and rightly so. Your family may think you are odd. So be it; it's how we have to live in truth.
God bless you and give you wisdom and discernment, Learning2Walk! I am praying for you and your family today.
_____________________________
I'm following the exodus over to www.bible.org - hope to see you guys there.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/4/2010 7:21:49 PM
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Learning2Walk
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Thank you so much, deermousie. I have always tried to expose the truth but did not get good results, and they acted as if I was difficult. That hurts, a LOT.
My brother and his family are in a very difficult situation now. I want to call them to say 'hi' and see how they are, but I don't because I am tired of being concerned about my brother and his life's problems ---- there has been one thing after another my whole life, and I think I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I need to learn how to show I care and not detach myself from them as people, without letting it get me down so much.
At the same time, I wonder if calling to ask how they are just gives more attention to them and their problem, on which my brother is already very focused all of the time.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/4/2010 11:34:46 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1740
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Learning2Walk
Thank you so much, deermousie. I have always tried to expose the truth but did not get good results, and they acted as if I was difficult. That hurts, a LOT.
You're welcome, Learning2Walk. 
The only truth is God's truth, and many people reject God. Jesus says if they hate God they'll hate you, too. When people who are doing it wrong don't fall on your neck with relief when you try to help, it's not you, it's them.
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My brother and his family are in a very difficult situation now. I want to call them to say 'hi' and see how they are, but I don't because I am tired of being concerned about my brother and his life's problems ---- there has been one thing after another my whole life, and I think I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
If people insist on playing in a field full of snakes, you can tell them and then let them get bit if they insist - you can't stop them. If you don't have enough money to pay for their bills as well as your own, 1 Tim. 5:8 says we take care of our own household first and then other family. If you can't afford both, then when they crash you just have to say, "Sorry; we'd like to help but have our own bills that need paying. I can't afford to pay for yours; you'll have to find a way to pay your own or go without." If someone is going to lose a house for non-payment, it should be their loss, not yours. If a family falls apart, it should be their family, not yours. You aren't the one taking the drugs and causing your children to have to live with that and all the dangers it brings.
Make a budget and see how much money you can afford to give away each month. Then decide if that money would be better spent on a rescue mission that is actually helping people get right with God and life or your brother who may/will throw it away and ask for more. If he's down and out, your brother can go to the rescue mission.
A man of great wrath will suffer punishment; For if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.
- Proverbs 19:19
I'm applying this verse about sin in general (the concept of the lesser to the greater - if it works for one sin, it might be because it works for all sin. And maybe I'm all wet): if a druggie loses everything and you replace it they'll just lose it all again and still be in need while your loss in buying the original stuff you're still paying for; you should use your income to put your immediate family in a house to take care of them and not risk your own house. The same goes for sleep, savings, insurance, food, etc.
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I need to learn how to show I care and not detach myself from them as people, without letting it get me down so much.
It has to be gut-wrenching to see him shoot himself in the foot over and over but that's where he is.
Have you joined Al-anon to find out how to deal with addicted people in your life? It's a good idea; they know all the dynamics and excuses that are used and will help you cope.
quote:
At the same time, I wonder if calling to ask how they are just gives more attention to them and their problem, on which my brother is already very focused all of the time.
Al-anon will tell you. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Sounds like he's focused on his consequences but not taking steps to stop doing the actions that make the consequences; this must be very frustrating to you. He wants the actions, so he invites the consequences. You can't make him stop his actions or prevent the consequences. Very helpless, and his poor kids. Go join Al-anon; it will help you.
And be thinking about the time when you and your husband may need to see his kids taken away from him and maybe you can adopt them (and move to Alaska).
I'm sorry, dear. Addictions are so bad and so unreasonable and so destructive. This has got to be like a huge open wound that never heals. I'm praying for you and all your family tonight.
_____________________________
I'm following the exodus over to www.bible.org - hope to see you guys there.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/5/2010 12:57:40 PM
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Learning2Walk
Posts: 46
Joined: 4/12/2005
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deermousie, thank you.
The problem now isn't drug/alcohol-related. It's financial, but it's the result of yet another impulsive decision that he dug himself into. I will not give a dime unless it would be to save any of their lives. Sooner or later, he must learn to make responsible adult decisions and take the time to think through his options rather than just jump into the easiest solution, only to find that it leads only to disappointment.
I went to Al-Anon years ago, shortly before I met my husband. After we got married, I told my husband I wanted to continue. He said I don't need it and can get the same thing by going to a counselor. I said they are not the same... He said yes they are... I asked "how do you know, have you gone to Al-Anon meetings?"... He said no... so I asked how can he know they are the same, and he didn't answer. I didn't pursue any further because he is VERY temperamental and loses his temper very easily.
Obviously, he did not want me going to Al-Anon meetings after we were married, so I didn't continue. I wondered why he didn't seem interested in helping me with this rather than shutting it off. A few months later (during a similar discussion about another topic), I told him "I think you wanted to marry someone to help you with YOUR problems, but you didn't want her to have any of her own". To my utter amazement, he agreed!
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 9/12/2010 1:33:09 PM
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Dopii
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/22/2009
Status: offline
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Hmm. You're singing my song.
If you can get your hands on a copy, the book Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You might help you sort things out. Please don't be put off by the title, which is unnecessarily harsh. I think all adult children with aging parents should read it, even those from fabulous homes. You may not be in a caregiver situation yet, but the book is very eye-opening about dealing with family patterns. Had I read it sooner in my life, I would have spared myself a world of heartache. It was on of those rare "life changing" books for me, and I really think it might help you sort out some of your thoughts and set some boundaries.
Wishing you the best.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 3/6/2011 5:52:47 PM
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SweetPea83
Posts: 122
Joined: 4/28/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL: jn1010lf
Lest anyone accuse me of not honoring my parents, I did honor them in the later years of their lives, showing love that confounded many who knew us. Each one of them found the love of God through what the Lord did in my life.
How wonderful! God blessed your family greatly.
A point about honor, as many nonChristians like to throw this at us, but here's why you are right:
The word "honor" in Ex. 20 ("honor your mother and father") is kabad, which means to weigh or give serious consideration to. So we don't brush off our parents' advice but give them weighty consideration. Then if we discern they are wrong, we know they are wrong and don't have to labor under their error anymore. As adults, we have to find the truth and live it, whether our parents are on board or not. We follow a holy God, not people who go the other way, no matter who they are.
Thank you for posting that! That gives me great peace. I have a very verbally abusive father who acts like he thinks he knows more than God and attacks me when things don't go his way. I've been unemployed for several months and am trusting God. He then plays the "God" card and assassinates my faith and trust in God and tells me "I don't know God and don't have a "godly lifestyle" (even though I'm a born-again Christian and serve God the best I can. I don't party, have pre-marital sex, I work hard, etc.) When he claims that "he's just worried" after an abusive diatribe, and I tell him he doesn't have to worry because God is in control of my life, and to worry is a sin, he then starts mocking me for being "spiritual". Did I mention that my father never misses a Sunday of church and even teaches Sunday school?
After a recent blitz attack from him yesterday, I am having to seriously consider any further contact with him.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 3/6/2011 7:14:07 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1740
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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My apologies to Learning2Walk for the off topic post.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SweetPea83
Thank you for posting that! That gives me great peace.
Isn't that great!? Thank You, Lord, for the freedom You give us!!!
quote:
I've been unemployed for several months and am trusting God. He then plays the "God" card and assassinates my faith and trust in God and tells me "I don't know God and don't have a "godly lifestyle"
Yep. God says He turns away no one who comes to Him and your father doesn't believe it. Let's tell the truth: that's a sin of unbelief on his part for not believing the Bible is true. If God says that's what He does, it's what God does.
quote:
When he claims that "he's just worried" after an abusive diatribe
That's instead of saying, "I'm sorry, dear daughter; I attacked you and I disbelieved God and know those are sin, and I renounce it and will try not to do that again. Please forgive me"? That's not worry, that's sin.
His behavior, if this is lifestyle, is destructive, lying, dessensionist (dessensive? What's the word?), and not of love. He's proving who he is; look at Gal. 5: 19-24 and see which list he belongs in.
quote:
he then starts mocking me for being "spiritual".
We are called to walk in the Spirit and be spiritual (1 Cor. 2:15; 14:37;Gal. 6:1). And he is mocking what God tells us to do. His behavior is not what is listed in the fruit of the Spirit that one expects Christians to show (Galatian verses above) but is mockery, false and hurtful. Smell the sulfur.
quote:
Did I mention that my father never misses a Sunday of church and even teaches Sunday school?
Go talk to your pastor; your father has no business teaching anyone anything under the authority of God's Church when he is acting so unbiblically and destructively at home. If your pastor brushes you off without looking into it, then he's tolerating sin in a person in an authoritative position and that smacks of 1 Cor. 5, where Paul chewed out a church for tolerating sin and told them sin spreads through the church if not dealt with. God calls on people and especially the leadership to keep God's House clean.
If the pastor doesn't deal with encouraging your father to confess and repent his bad behavior with you and acting more like God tells us to, or getting him out of his position, then I'd find a new church.
quote:
After a recent blitz attack from him yesterday, I am having to seriously consider any further contact with him.
Paul said to kick out the sinning person in 1 Cor. 5; the refusal of that should be the opposite - you leave.
1 Corinthians 5:11
But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person.
Reviler - I looked this up in the Greek of the NT (loidosros): adjective used as a noun, a "railer." Meaning: abuse, railing, reviling, to speak reproachfully.
He sounds like he is verbally abusive and speaking reproachfully to you as well as doubting your faith and mocking you for being spiritual, so he fits the 1 Cor. 5:11 verse of not to keep company with such a person. You have a Biblical principle to not keep company with him.
Please show this to your pastor, too. If your pastor is fine with a man like this teaching Sunday School then you probably don't belong there but in a church that's actually obeying God and dealing with sin and getting rid of it or getting rid of people who don't want to part with their pet sins (Matt. 18:15-17). God calls us to be separate from sin (look it up: www.biblegateway.com - I use this site daily). He tells us the principles to live by in Scripture and He calls us to grow in our faith walk (sanctification).
The above is the result of decades of abuse I suffered and digging God's ways out of the Bible a piece at a time. If you are confident in God's Word (you'll want to study the short and long context) then you have a firm foundation to stand on and can be secure if he rails against you again. Let the waves pound on the Rock; you have security and boundaries. All he will know is he can't snow you anymore, and the attention is now on his sin and whether he'll deal with it God's way or sweep it under the rug.
God bless you, dear, and cause you to stand firm in Him. I rejoice that the nonsense and sin are about to be called what they really are. We tell the truth.
Now back to Learning2Walks thread.
_____________________________
I'm following the exodus over to www.bible.org - hope to see you guys there.
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 3/7/2011 8:16:42 AM
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awrs
Posts: 12
Joined: 3/26/2010
Status: offline
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I am not quite clear about something...
You referred to being supportive of your brother, but then mentioned about not wanting to call him to say "hello". Do you have a close relationship? I mean, does he dump his problems on you, like your mom does? Or do you feel he dumps the problems on your mom then your mom complains to you about her perspective of the situation? I was just curious. I am only asking because I am involved in a similar situation and a sibling "assumed" they "knew" what was going on with another sibling, because the family "fretter/manipulator" complained to one about the other. They only got one side (plus its just gossip) but believed everything they were told. In the end, all that sibling had was his mom's agenda ingrained in his head about the situation. He only heard what her perspective was, not what was actually happening according to the other sibling. The whole thing has pretty much destroyed a lot of much of the relationships. Sometimes there is a "black sheep" because it's easier to place problems on one person and be in denial about all the other dysfunctional dynamics, you know what I mean? Not saying your brother is not reaping negative consequences, hasn't made bad choices, all I am saying is that many families "use" a "black sheep" to place all the family problems. That way it covers up a multitude of other sin/problems. Its convenient to place blame on one person...and its a cycle that repeats itself. Praying for you!
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RE: At my wit's end with family - 3/7/2011 8:16:09 PM
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BelleTower
Posts: 68
Joined: 2/23/2011
Status: offline
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Dear Learning,
I'm not sure if it is comforting to know that you are not the only one in your situation ... my parents actually divorced when I was a teenager, but my mother always used me as the "friend she never had" ... she shared all kinds of inappropriate information with me in her struggle with my dad ... I was probably 13 or 14 when this began ... I was eager to be more like an adult and had no idea how inappropriate her behavior was. I felt used and then guilty for rallying with her against my dad. Around that same time, my little brother began to get into LOTS of trouble. He has been addicted to about every illegal substance ever made. My parents were terrified and thought they could fix him by buying him groceries and helping him get work. At one point, they were both paying his rent ... at that same time, he was dealing drugs with a street gang. It was awful and I was the only voice of reason, BEGGING my parents to stop enabling him in any way.
Today, I am extremely close with my little brother who has been sober for seven years ... I don't feel he is rock solid yet, but I believe God has his great hands on my brother's life ... what more could I want?! My brother is now a Christian who loves the Lord.
But, my family has been absolutely torn apart by drama and bad behavior ... I was once talking with one of my sisters about how we can stop this cycle with our own children, how we can move our own children into the world without them being injured and hurt by their own families ... we came up with three key things to avoid ...
1) DON'T GET DIVORCED
2) DON'T PLAY FAVORITES AMONG OUR CHILDREN
3) ALLOW OUR CHILDREN TO CHANGE AND GROW (and not insist on labels that last for life ... "the loser child", "the smart one", "the difficult one", etc)
You and I can best move forward by recognizing what was so damaging about our past and by firmly resolving to avoid poisoning our own families the same way our parents poisoned us. GOD is the enabler here, he what gives us the strength to labor on when things are difficult, keeps our relationships strong ...
I hope my perspective is helpful a bit.
lisa
_____________________________
I used to be hazel2 ...
Mom of Claire 4.5yrs, Ava 3.5yrs, Harriette 1.5yrs ... expecting 9/11
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